Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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