Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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