I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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