Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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