He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
