she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
