my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
