Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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