Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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