Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize