you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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