all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
