i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize