sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
