I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
