i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
