i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
