I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
be right there i have to get my cape
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
