He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize