11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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