The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
