I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
