I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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