My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
