Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
