you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
