Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
