her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
