so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
