Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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