One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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