Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
where are you?
Hypothermia
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
