I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
