i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
