I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
