if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
