words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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