Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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