so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
