I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize