Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
