So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Randomize
