she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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