Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
