I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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