believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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