She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
