I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
