So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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