u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
