Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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