you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
