Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
