im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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