Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
