Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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