elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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