we're blogging at a bar
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize